Wednesday, August 07, 2013

Avoiding pain

I've come to notice a pattern in myself that I find rather curious. And slightly concerning. I prefer not to make friends because I'm afraid of saying 'goodbye'. I don't like the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realise that that is it; I may never see you again. And it hurts so much to invest so much into someone and to then be cruelly torn apart.
I prefer the pain of loneliness and separation from people to the pain of goodbyes. I would rather not interact than to have to say 'goodbye'.
Is this really the better option? I fear that I will always walk that path though.

I even anticipate it though. When I sense that a relationship will be short I hold back and don't invest as much as I could. Or even as much as I would like to. Something holds me back. And I find a trail of superficial relationships, that were truly created to fill a moment of time.

I know that people will move on, and I know it will hurt to see them leave and so I keep myself clear of the emotional trauma that will follow.

Is this a safe and boring way to live? How much do I miss out on? I feel like I miss a lot, yet I am not ready to brave it out there. Maybe one day I will.