Thursday, January 17, 2013

Going back to pain

The last two years of my life have been the most emotional and painful of my entire life. And I know that I am not that advanced in years, so that statement may sound like an exaggeration; but it isn't. As hard and difficult as the last two years have been for me personally, it has been just as difficult, and even more painful for the rest of my family.

When I was offered the opportunity to leave my country and study at Bible college in California I was hesitant. I am a home-girl. I love being with my family, I have four brothers and sisters and was home-schooled. And I was not used to being away from them for extended periods of time. Before I flew out in August the longest I had been away from my Mum was seven days. But both my parents insisted that I had to go. Which I took as a green light to go.


In August that chance to go to college was an escape. And my family know that. When I got on that plane I left behind all the pain and hopelessness of the past twenty-four months. Instead I welcomed a different form of pain; home-sickness. But that lessens greatly with the use of facebook and Skype.

The pain of being away from my family is nothing compared to what was endured before that. I healed so much during my first semester at college. I am still very broken and bruised, and I have issues that are going to take a lot of time to work through. And there are many things that I will never ever be able to forget. But I know that I am far better than I was six months ago. 

Now that thing that scares me is going back. Going back to the place where my life was sucked out of me, where my life was burned to the ground. The place where my family was emotionally abused, and attacked. The place of utter hopelessness and depression. I got out. But my family are still there. And I am afraid that if I go back I will be haunted by those memories, and that I won't be able to face leaving them again if I do go back.

I am desperate to see my family. But I want to be as far away as possible from that place. I do not want to lapse back into the person I was, that person with open wounds and no desire to live.

Guilt also embraces me. I was set free, yet they remain to suffer. They have no way out yet. They have to live in that place, where everything reminds them of something that is painful.

And so I have to return to the place of pain. I just hope I am strong enough when the time comes around.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Traversing the world to find....

I have never had many friends growing up. It was just a fact of life for me. And occasionally it would irk me greatly, and I would cry because I was lonely. I wanted to have big, exciting Birthday parties with lots of girls my own age. And I wanted someone to go the the movies with, and have coffee dates with, and go shopping with. And you know how in the movies friends would spend hours on the phone with each other talking about everything and nothing? I wanted to do that too!


My 'friends' tended to hang out with me for a few weeks and then someone newer and more interesting came along, and I was dropped like a hot potato. But to be honest I kinda got used to this. And I didn't really expect anything else from people in general.


When I left England in August, there was only really four people I said 'goodbye' to as close friends. Only those four who made an effort to come and spend time with me before I left.


But, since my first semester at Bible college I have a huge circle of new friends. People who care about me, and love me. Ask me how I am and if they can help me with anything. They travel to come and see me. We go shopping, we go to Starbucks, the cinema, ice skating, everything!!


But I had to wait to meet these people. I had to wait nineteen years, and travel six thousand miles across the Atlantic.

Patience is a virtue.


There are certain people I have met in the last six months who I can't imagine living without now. There was an instant connection with them. I love them greatly, and I know that they love me too. It's not a one sided relationship. I have had so many of those, I had just about given up on friends. I was pretty self-sufficient. But now I have a whole list of people who would all jump at the chance to hang out with me.

I feel loved. I feel happy.

 I hope that if anyone else has experienced this that they won't give up, yet. But keep waiting. Please? 

Saturday, January 05, 2013

Birthday on the beach

For the last nineteen years I have spent the majority of my Birthdays in cold, wet and sometimes icy conditions. Birthday celebrations were subject to change depending on the clemency of the weather. Sleepovers were cancelled at the very last minute due to ice on the roads. Cinema trips were postponed because of the sharp chill in the air.

However this year was not the same as the rest. I spent my twentieth Birthday in the dazzling sunshine. And I didn't have to wear a coat and thick boots. I wore a light cardigan and jeans with a rip in the knee.

I walked on the beach and went hunting for pretty seashells. And it was warm enough to eat a salad for dinner. I found a sand dollar on my Birthday.

And I wore my sunglasses.

I didn't walk around with dumb toes either.

Or a scarf and gloves.

I rode in a car with the windows down.

Birthdays in California are the very best.