Avoiding pain

I've come to notice a pattern in myself that I find rather curious. And slightly concerning. I prefer not to make friends because I'm afraid of saying 'goodbye'. I don't like the awful feeling in the pit of my stomach when I realise that that is it; I may never see you again. And it hurts so much to invest so much into someone and to then be cruelly torn apart.
I prefer the pain of loneliness and separation from people to the pain of goodbyes. I would rather not interact than to have to say 'goodbye'.
Is this really the better option? I fear that I will always walk that path though.

I even anticipate it though. When I sense that a relationship will be short I hold back and don't invest as much as I could. Or even as much as I would like to. Something holds me back. And I find a trail of superficial relationships, that were truly created to fill a moment of time.

I know that people will move on, and I know it will hurt to see them leave and so I keep myself clear of the emotional trauma that will follow.

Is this a safe and boring way to live? How much do I miss out on? I feel like I miss a lot, yet I am not ready to brave it out there. Maybe one day I will.

Words can be Poison

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." 

 I've always found this a curious thing to say. And in a way I understand what it is trying to say. But on the other hand, I find it a blatant lie. Maybe that is just who I am. And perhaps for others it is true. Words have no impact upon them.

But I find words can be the strongest form of pain another human being can inflict upon another. There are things that people have said to me that I will never be able to forget, no matter how hard I try to scrub those burning syllables from my mind they will forever be branded there. And you can get over them to a certain extent. But there will always be things that occur and remind you of them.

Words can lift you, or crush you. They can save and they can kill. They can rescue and condemn. They can make or break you. The right word at the right time can change the world. You have no idea how your words can affect someone. Words can convey every type of emotion. Love, hate, pain, contempt, respect, sorrow, melancholia, the list is endless.  

Be careful with your words. Think them through carefully.

Going back to pain

The last two years of my life have been the most emotional and painful of my entire life. And I know that I am not that advanced in years, so that statement may sound like an exaggeration; but it isn't. As hard and difficult as the last two years have been for me personally, it has been just as difficult, and even more painful for the rest of my family.

When I was offered the opportunity to leave my country and study at Bible college in California I was hesitant. I am a home-girl. I love being with my family, I have four brothers and sisters and was home-schooled. And I was not used to being away from them for extended periods of time. Before I flew out in August the longest I had been away from my Mum was seven days. But both my parents insisted that I had to go. Which I took as a green light to go.

In August that chance to go to college was an escape. And my family know that. When I got on that plane I left behind all the pain and hopelessness of the past twenty-four months. Instead I welcomed a different form of pain; home-sickness. But that lessens greatly with the use of facebook and Skype.

The pain of being away from my family is nothing compared to what was endured before that. I healed so much during my first semester at college. I am still very broken and bruised, and I have issues that are going to take a lot of time to work through. And there are many things that I will never ever be able to forget. But I know that I am far better than I was six months ago. 

Now that thing that scares me is going back. Going back to the place where my life was sucked out of me, where my life was burned to the ground. The place where my family was emotionally abused, and attacked. The place of utter hopelessness and depression. I got out. But my family are still there. And I am afraid that if I go back I will be haunted by those memories, and that I won't be able to face leaving them again if I do go back.

I am desperate to see my family. But I want to be as far away as possible from that place. I do not want to lapse back into the person I was, that person with open wounds and no desire to live.

Guilt also embraces me. I was set free, yet they remain to suffer. They have no way out yet. They have to live in that place, where everything reminds them of something that is painful.

And so I have to return to the place of pain. I just hope I am strong enough when the time comes around.