New year resolutions

Listening to An aeroplane carried me to bed - Sky Sailing.

So I only have a few, no really, okay maybe a few.

#1, dress better - Over the last two years I've been exploring different styles and I am more aware of the kind of style I like. I like high waisted skirt and heeled brogues, vintage style sweaters with skinny jeans and heeled ankle boots, so I am going to used Ebay to obtain a gorgeous wardrobe, a task that will take at least a year; although I have already begun =)

My parents got me these for Christmas; aren't they gorgeous?!

#2, Eat better - The last six months have been the worst of my life. And even though I am very health aware, I use food as a crutch. I'm sad, I eat, I'm stressed, I eat, I'm angry, I eat, etc. I've put on weight, and I need to get back to my green smoothies. I love eating good, wholesome food, and cooking is a passion. This year with the new awareness to the fact that my body reacts very badly to gluten, I am determined to eat well. No more junk!

#3, Exercise better - We upgraded our treadmill so there are few excuses. I live in the middle of nowhere, so running and cycling is no issue. I am capable of running 10 miles everyday, so I should. Besides it's nice to run early in the morning when there's no one else around, just you and the birds. It clears my head and starts the day so well. And even if it's raining and the treadmill is out of action, we still have all of the Jillian Michaels' workout videos AS WELL AS hundreds of other exercise videos, and some of them are just as tough as a 10 miler! No lie!

#4, Use my time wisely - Okay, so I let a lot of time slip by, I should have been more productive, I have so many hobbies I should be bettering myself. I could have been a 2nd Dan black belt by now, but I'm not, because I didn't organise my time well enough.

#5, Be in bed by 10:30PM on weekdays - I have found that due to my tendencies to insomnia if I'm not in bed by this time, I will not sleep until 2AM at the earliest.

I would love to have this room!

#6, Be up by 7:20AM on weekdays - If I'm not out running just after 8, then the whole of my day's schedule is messed up, and if it's a particularly cold or miserable day I sometimes take up to 40 minutes to get ready.

This is definitely not England XD It's not raining or foggy!

#7, Lose 26 pounds - I've put on around 12 pounds over six months - the same amount of weight that I worked three months to lose just after last Christmas. I am considered healthy at my current weight, but I am not happy at my current weight. I've worked out that 112 pounds is perfectly healthy for someone my height and I won't look bony and scarily skinny at that weight. My clothes are starting to feel tight too, so it's definitely time to take control again.

There are many other smaller things I want to do this year, such as go to another Owl City concert! But those 7 things are the most important to me.

Anyway, I look forward to another year of hard work, play, blogging and learning.

Happy New year to all my readers.

CC.Shoshanah  xxxx

New year, new me

I think I can honestly say that this year I have been more excited about the 1st of January than Christmas; and not just because the second series of the BBC's Sherlock is being broadcast on the first of the New year, but because it is a new year, and mentally and fresh start is what I have been in desperate need of for the last three months, no exaggeration.

I have done little work, and what I have done has been of little importance. To summarise the last three months would quite simply be one participle; surviving. I haven't achieved anything. I've read a few throw-away books, cooked a couple of meals and updated a facebook status that few people read or even truly care about.

I have two exams next year, I must book them in January, yet I have done little work to prepare. These exams can dictate my future. They prove to those around me, and to myself that I am not a failure and that I am clever; and that home-school is not for 'special' children who are not good enough to attend school. A grades are within my grasp, yet I am letting them slip away; I need to drastically turn myself around.

The truth is I've been hiding. I've been terrified this year and completely lost all my confidence in other people; I no longer trust anyone, my parents are an exception obviously, but that doesn't mean they won't make mistakes. I run and hide the real me because this year I've been crushed; my whole family has been crushed. I feel like my Father has been stolen from me, he has been dragged through the mud by so called friends. He has been brutally attacked, metaphorically speaking. My Mother struggles to support him, and I carry all the stress and sadness that engulfs us all. The summer was brutal but the aftermath has been torment. I know that there is a reason and a purpose; but I am yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've suffered hurts and pains from people I thought were my friends, and it's all been too much for me in one year. I feel every injury inflicted upon any family member, it's just my nature.

I am mentally smothered. I need to clear my head. I feel like I have so much in my head, but little of it is of worth. I need to throw it all away and start a new, fill it with important things. Bible verses, Latin verses, Greek verses, ballet dances, martial exercises and joyful thoughts.

My head is as cluttered as my room; both need a spring clean, and I intend to give them both just that. On the 1st of January 2012 I will be my own self again. I allowed people to steal a complete total of around 5 months from me, now I will take control once more; right now I am doing nothing for God. In this state he cannot use me. I am idle in a way - and the Devil will make use of that unless I act swiftly.
I am determined to say, 'no more'
I will fix the mess I am in. I will return to my exercise regime that keeps me fit and bright eyed; I will return to a proper diet, the one I thrive on, not this processed diet.
I cannot do this on my own, to do so would be foolishness; I need God to hold my hand every step of the way.

My family is devastated, my parents are in pain. If I can drag myself out of despair with God's help, I can be of far more use to them. If I hold God's hand through this I can help others reach out to God; I can't fix people, but he can.

So, in effect I have been desperate for the New year for about 4 weeks now, and with three days to go and I am planning on clearing my room, getting my textbooks ready, contemplating meals to cook, planning an exercise regime and choosing new commentaries as devotionals.

Hopefully, I will heal, but I feel it will be a long process. I have retreated within myself and fear allowing anyone other then a small handful of people to get to know me. Conversations I have with others are shallow and lacking in depth; I only answer their questions, I never offer any information of myself, they must request it.

I like to hide, tell people I can't meet them because I'm busy - translation, I don't want to get hurt. I'm tired of it. Is that the right attitude? If you want to be lonely and miserable than continue in this way, but if not then don't.

I know that the next six months are going to be tough.  But I can do it. I can do all through Christ who strengthens me. Christ was able to endure the agony of the cross; my trials and the trials of my family this year have been nothing in comparison.

I want to feel like my old self again, or better yet, I want to feel like I am truly living for God, becoming more like Christ, treating my body like the temple that it is, encouraging and helping others, and learning more in every area of life. I am tired of just 'coping' of just 'surviving'. Going through the motions of life, nodding and smiling when the occasion calls for it, hiding in the toilets, sitting at the back with my coat collar up and my scarf hiding most of my head.

I know what I must do, and I am now ready to do it. 

Be strong and confident, all you who wait on the Lord.                                                                                                                       Psalms 31v24

Prayers are gratefully received at this time =)

Not even a hint of love.........

So I haven't written for a while, but something really got to me at the weekend and I felt like I really wanted to write about it so I could get it straight in my head.

I'm not a fan of Bruno Mars, I've only, in truth, ever heard about three maybe four on his songs when they play on the radio. I heard his latest single on Sunday while I was in the car. The song is called Marry you, and has a very pretty background melody of bells jingling throughout. However on closer inspection of the lyrics I felt pangs of sadness and anger.

The song seems innocent enough, and to be honest it's not much different to most other pop songs out there at the moment. The words don't mean much, they just fill music.

In the first verse one of the lines is 'we're looking for something dumb to do'.
Which doesn't sound shocking or alarming in any way.......... out of context that is. The following verses go,  'Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you'.

Nothing too bad there really, however I think it's important to note that the singer is obviously bored, looking for some way to entertain himself. Also he "thinks" he'd like to marry the girl to whom this song is directed.

So, he's unsure and bored.

The following lines are pretty monotonous, choruses and etc. He suggests that they go to this little chapel he knows and get married, he encourages her to say yes to this idea, they get married and the church bells ring, la, la, la......  

The verses I found most shocking and in truth frightening were these ones;

 If we wake up and you wanna break up that's cool.
No, I won't blame you;
It was fun girl.

 I'm sorry, but does that sound like, let's get married, spend one night together as husband and wife, and then part ways in the morning? Is his view of marriage so low, is that his idea of commitment, and what happened to 'till death do you part"??? Those verses scream at me that he doesn't really care, he isn't bothered.

Is this really the view people have of marriage? Something to be done for fun? Without much thought? 

It scares me because if this is shown in one pop song, how many other pop songs are there with similar morals being sung to children from a young age? Songs are easy to remember, they stick in your head, which is why it's so important to be careful what you listen to. Is this the way the world is going? I know young Christian girls of 14/15 years old who have posted statuses on facebook along the lines of, 'I want to marry Bruno Mars, he's so romantic'. Really?? Seriously?? Shouldn't you be waiting for a man who will love you, provide for you, cherish you, adore you, protect you and guide you? Someone who is trying to model Christ's behaviour? I know I am.

To be truthful, Bruno is the kind of guy who I would go out of my way to avoid. I would run in the other direction. I don't want to marry someone who may leave me a week after we get married. Who wants to live with the constant dread that he may never come back? That you were just a whim a fling, a spur of the moment idea.

The other scary thing is that throughout the whole song, he never once says I love you, or tells her she's beautiful. He never calls her darling, or honey. He calls her babe - and personally, I never have, nor will I ever respond to that name.
There isn't even a hint of love in the whole of the song. 

God's idea of marriage is so opposed to Bruno's. Marriage is meant to last until one spouse dies. It is supposed to be beautiful, thought out, contemplated, prepared for, longed for, expected.

Marriage is meant to be an example of Jesus' love for his bride, the church. Jesus will never abandon us, no matter what we do. We can be wickedly unfaithful to him, yet he will continue to love us, yes he will discipline us, but he will never leave us, he is with us 'till death do us part, and forever after that too.
Jesus' love is unconditional, he will guide us and comfort us. He strengthens us and gives us everything we need.

How does that compare to Bruno Mars' love and his offer of a 24 hour long marriage?

Some part of me feels deep sadness for this misguided and lost artist. Unless he finds Jesus, he will always have an empty space in his heart. He will be in a life-long search for what he thinks love is. He will have countless girlfriends, he may even have countless marriages. But he will never truly be happy, and he won't know why.

Just something that caught my attention.

Love, love xxxx