Going back to pain

The last two years of my life have been the most emotional and painful of my entire life. And I know that I am not that advanced in years, so that statement may sound like an exaggeration; but it isn't. As hard and difficult as the last two years have been for me personally, it has been just as difficult, and even more painful for the rest of my family.

When I was offered the opportunity to leave my country and study at Bible college in California I was hesitant. I am a home-girl. I love being with my family, I have four brothers and sisters and was home-schooled. And I was not used to being away from them for extended periods of time. Before I flew out in August the longest I had been away from my Mum was seven days. But both my parents insisted that I had to go. Which I took as a green light to go.

In August that chance to go to college was an escape. And my family know that. When I got on that plane I left behind all the pain and hopelessness of the past twenty-four months. Instead I welcomed a different form of pain; home-sickness. But that lessens greatly with the use of facebook and Skype.

The pain of being away from my family is nothing compared to what was endured before that. I healed so much during my first semester at college. I am still very broken and bruised, and I have issues that are going to take a lot of time to work through. And there are many things that I will never ever be able to forget. But I know that I am far better than I was six months ago. 

Now that thing that scares me is going back. Going back to the place where my life was sucked out of me, where my life was burned to the ground. The place where my family was emotionally abused, and attacked. The place of utter hopelessness and depression. I got out. But my family are still there. And I am afraid that if I go back I will be haunted by those memories, and that I won't be able to face leaving them again if I do go back.

I am desperate to see my family. But I want to be as far away as possible from that place. I do not want to lapse back into the person I was, that person with open wounds and no desire to live.

Guilt also embraces me. I was set free, yet they remain to suffer. They have no way out yet. They have to live in that place, where everything reminds them of something that is painful.

And so I have to return to the place of pain. I just hope I am strong enough when the time comes around.

Birthday on the beach

For the last nineteen years I have spent the majority of my Birthdays in cold, wet and sometimes icy conditions. Birthday celebrations were subject to change depending on the clemency of the weather. Sleepovers were cancelled at the very last minute due to ice on the roads. Cinema trips were postponed because of the sharp chill in the air.

However this year was not the same as the rest. I spent my twentieth Birthday in the dazzling sunshine. And I didn't have to wear a coat and thick boots. I wore a light cardigan and jeans with a rip in the knee.

I walked on the beach and went hunting for pretty seashells. And it was warm enough to eat a salad for dinner. I found a sand dollar on my Birthday.

And I wore my sunglasses.

I didn't walk around with dumb toes either.

Or a scarf and gloves.

I rode in a car with the windows down.

Birthdays in California are the very best.

I'm a wee bit busy these days....

I know I haven't blogged for a while. But I have been so busy recently. I have been in the US of A for 8 days now.
My flight was 10 and a half hours long. And there was very little for me to eat on the plane as I am gluten intolerant. Luckily I had a Tupperware tub full of dried goji berries, dates, apricots and mulberries. And I'll admit that yes I had a small bag of Thornton's chocolates, which I needed after saying 'goodbye' to my family; I will admit that I didn't eat them until after I'd been on the plane for around 6 hours though! That was when I got super hungry.
I also ate a tiny tub of ice cream and an even tinier tub of fruit salad, and two mini packs of cassava chips. I landed and I was half starved, had to drag myself through customs, which took over an hour and then had to remove my two rather heavy suitcases from the carousel, which was embarrassing to say the least, I'm all leg strength.
So to see a friendly face was so nice and comforting, and he carried my heavier suitcase and my backpack for me. I had a gluten free, or 'protein style' In'N'Out dinner, first ever, as I have never been stateside, but I was way to tired to recall what it tasted like other than, it was 'good'.

I was so tired, fell right asleep at midnight, US time, and woke up naturally at about half eight. Had a quick breakfast and was dropped off ready to go to Disneyland, also for the first time ever. I was excited chick!! You do not know how many times I have seen Disneyland advertised on the telly. I have always wanted to go. And a lovely family took me! They were amazing, they knew all the best rides, and looked after me so well, it was such fun!
I went on Space Mountain, It's a small world, Indiana Jones (okay, I went on that twice!), the Haunted Mansion, the Buzz Lightyear ride, the Peter Pan ride, and so many other rides too! I also saw the fireworks, the carnival and Fantasmic! Aaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!! 
And to top it off, Disneyland had a whole list of things that were gluten free! So I had a small gluten free pizza! The first pizza I've had in probably two years!!! It was such a treat.
Oh and did I mention, I met Mickey Mouse, Tinker Bell and my favourite Disney princess, Sleeping Beauty? I also spied Merida and Tatiana through the crowds, and waved at Cinderella!

We didn't leave Disneyland till midnight so I was super exhausted the next day, which was a Friday. We just chilled, which was cool, I had to go through my email, 56 emails! Woweee!

Then on Friday, I moved back to my friend's house and we went shopping, I got some things for college, and we met some people, I was pretty tired, so I cannot for the life of me remember any names. After that we went to church, my friend played piano that week, it was amazing! I also wandered around Wholefoods for about an hour and a half, did I mention how much I love Wholefood stores???

We attempted to watch a movie on Saturday night, John Carter, a real action film. And um, yeah, we um, kinda, um, fell asleep. One minute there's an intense battle raging and the next someone is nudging me saying, 'I think it's bedtime'. So I was in bed asleep by half ten on Saturday night.

Sunday was a blast. Back to my friend's church at about quarter to eight, yep, I've been getting up really early since I got here, and I just hung out in the back. We had breakfast at Wholefoods, man, I love that store! Then we went to Urban Outfitters, that is where the cool kids hang.

Then back for lunch, and we watched the Mummy Returns, then National Treasure, and most of us fell asleep, myself included. Which made it the perfect time to pack some towels and head to the beach! Bonfires on the beach, and lots of people! Yay!
But did I mention we managed to go to the wrong beach, and only realised after we bought a parking ticket??? Eeeeeek! So we had to turn around and go back. Luckily we were able to use the ticket at the correct beach, where my friend's church were actually meeting.

So after a few hours on the beach I went and stayed with some other friends, who were also so lovely to me; actually everyone has been lovely since I landed, but the three families whose homes I actually stayed in have been amazing and I love them all to bits!

We made a quick run to Wholefoods, and picked up lots of yummy, yet healthy snacks, including gluten AND dairy AND soy free cookie dough ice cream!! It was made with coconut milk instead of soy or dairy products. And let me tell you, I will no longer miss Ben and Jerries'; never thought I'd say that.

While eating delicious ice cream, we watched X-men 2, then BAM! I fell asleep, AGAIN! So bed, ready to be up again at six, because it was Bible college move in day!!!!! So exciting!

And that's all I have time for right now. I have some more sermons to listen to, and I want another banana, and I need some water and I just want to go to bed really.

My Mummy and Daddy are coming too!

So, you all know about God providing me with the means to attend Bible college  in California this August. But yesterday, my Dad was accepted to attend Seminary in California too!! My family are going to be living about two hours away from my college!

Having thought I was going to be thrown right into the deep end, not seeing my Mummy for two whole years, I now only have to spend, at the most, 6 months in a different country on my own.
My Dad's school year will start in January, while mine starts in August. So if they can go out to California before next year if they can raise the funds etc.

I think this is so graceful of God; I mean, I don't seem to do very well without my Mummy. It's not that I can't function without her, she has trained me well, cooking, cleaning, washing, etc...... I just don't like to.
So instead I only have to survive for a while before I see my family again. And I really don't like Skype!

California Calling....

I am so excited about starting Bible college. It's a whole new chapter of my life. I did have a real desire to go but money always dissuaded me. I never really voiced this desire either because I thought it was so impossible that there was no point really. I will forever be amazed at how God knows all those secret things you want, and sometimes brings them about without you even realising it. I never asked to go to Bible college, I never made any plans to go, I never saved any money specifically for it; but I now find myself filling out visa forms and selling all my surplus stuff, and winter clothes ready for a new life in California.

The daunting task of reducing my life into a couple of suitcases is looming. And I had no idea that suitcases were so expensive!

I am so excited to get learning!! I've never been to school and for the last three years I've been my own teacher. I am actually looking forward to having homework deadlines, and having someone else predict my grades for me. I'm actually going to have to be in class on time. I am so thrilled.

The idea of living in sunny California for two years is so exciting, I still haven't quite grasped it. I love the sun, for someone who was born in the middle of winter I can't stand the cold! During the winter months I sleep beneath two duvets and three fleece blankets, and I wear hoodies and socks and a hat, etc........
 So I'm looking forward to keeping my sunglasses out for more than three months of the year.

And the idea of having a barbecue for my Birthday this year, well, I have no words for the excitement that brings!!

Annnnd, let's not forget thrift stores! I can't wait to check those out. I do love a good bargain!

So many things to look forward to!!

God provides; I'm going to Bible college!!!

Two months ago I was fretting and worried about what I was going to do with my life. I had no plans, and no ideas really. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And when it came to careers I changed my mind weekly....... I was to be very honest, in bit of a tizzy.

I knew I didn't want to go to university, there was nothing I really wanted to study. And the idea of debt terrified me. I'm of the mindset that if you can't afford it, don't buy it. And I really did not want to spend three years of my life studying a subject that did not truly interest me, to gain a degree so I could get a job that I was neither passionate about nor interested in.

To be frank, I did look at a Bible college website to see how much it cost, and left the site convinced that that was not an option either.

Then through a strange series of events I have been given a scholarship to Bible college, not in England, but in California!!!!!

The whole point of this post, is not for me to brag, which would be pretty ugly and sinful of me. But more to encourage anyone who is in a tough episode of life at the moment. For anyone who is confused or lost. I was, I still am really, I have so much to sort out, but now I know where I'm going. I feel slightly more secure and stable. God has provided something incredible, something that I believed was impossible. God can do anything, and he can do things in the most unexpected of ways. So keep trusting; I know it's hard. But you'll pull through. And if I hadn't had such a bad and miserable 18 months this wouldn't have happened. And I wouldn't be half as grateful as I am now.

Love, love

CC <3