New year, new me

I think I can honestly say that this year I have been more excited about the 1st of January than Christmas; and not just because the second series of the BBC's Sherlock is being broadcast on the first of the New year, but because it is a new year, and mentally and fresh start is what I have been in desperate need of for the last three months, no exaggeration.

I have done little work, and what I have done has been of little importance. To summarise the last three months would quite simply be one participle; surviving. I haven't achieved anything. I've read a few throw-away books, cooked a couple of meals and updated a facebook status that few people read or even truly care about.

I have two exams next year, I must book them in January, yet I have done little work to prepare. These exams can dictate my future. They prove to those around me, and to myself that I am not a failure and that I am clever; and that home-school is not for 'special' children who are not good enough to attend school. A grades are within my grasp, yet I am letting them slip away; I need to drastically turn myself around.

The truth is I've been hiding. I've been terrified this year and completely lost all my confidence in other people; I no longer trust anyone, my parents are an exception obviously, but that doesn't mean they won't make mistakes. I run and hide the real me because this year I've been crushed; my whole family has been crushed. I feel like my Father has been stolen from me, he has been dragged through the mud by so called friends. He has been brutally attacked, metaphorically speaking. My Mother struggles to support him, and I carry all the stress and sadness that engulfs us all. The summer was brutal but the aftermath has been torment. I know that there is a reason and a purpose; but I am yet to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've suffered hurts and pains from people I thought were my friends, and it's all been too much for me in one year. I feel every injury inflicted upon any family member, it's just my nature.

I am mentally smothered. I need to clear my head. I feel like I have so much in my head, but little of it is of worth. I need to throw it all away and start a new, fill it with important things. Bible verses, Latin verses, Greek verses, ballet dances, martial exercises and joyful thoughts.

My head is as cluttered as my room; both need a spring clean, and I intend to give them both just that. On the 1st of January 2012 I will be my own self again. I allowed people to steal a complete total of around 5 months from me, now I will take control once more; right now I am doing nothing for God. In this state he cannot use me. I am idle in a way - and the Devil will make use of that unless I act swiftly.
I am determined to say, 'no more'
I will fix the mess I am in. I will return to my exercise regime that keeps me fit and bright eyed; I will return to a proper diet, the one I thrive on, not this processed diet.
I cannot do this on my own, to do so would be foolishness; I need God to hold my hand every step of the way.

My family is devastated, my parents are in pain. If I can drag myself out of despair with God's help, I can be of far more use to them. If I hold God's hand through this I can help others reach out to God; I can't fix people, but he can.

So, in effect I have been desperate for the New year for about 4 weeks now, and with three days to go and I am planning on clearing my room, getting my textbooks ready, contemplating meals to cook, planning an exercise regime and choosing new commentaries as devotionals.

Hopefully, I will heal, but I feel it will be a long process. I have retreated within myself and fear allowing anyone other then a small handful of people to get to know me. Conversations I have with others are shallow and lacking in depth; I only answer their questions, I never offer any information of myself, they must request it.

I like to hide, tell people I can't meet them because I'm busy - translation, I don't want to get hurt. I'm tired of it. Is that the right attitude? If you want to be lonely and miserable than continue in this way, but if not then don't.

I know that the next six months are going to be tough.  But I can do it. I can do all through Christ who strengthens me. Christ was able to endure the agony of the cross; my trials and the trials of my family this year have been nothing in comparison.

I want to feel like my old self again, or better yet, I want to feel like I am truly living for God, becoming more like Christ, treating my body like the temple that it is, encouraging and helping others, and learning more in every area of life. I am tired of just 'coping' of just 'surviving'. Going through the motions of life, nodding and smiling when the occasion calls for it, hiding in the toilets, sitting at the back with my coat collar up and my scarf hiding most of my head.

I know what I must do, and I am now ready to do it. 

Be strong and confident, all you who wait on the Lord.                                                                                                                       Psalms 31v24

Prayers are gratefully received at this time =)